noone's Journal

3:34am: Speachless, but i can say
I think, I have found the person
That I have been needing to find

4:45pm: HEY. READ THIS
I made a new Live Journal.
New start.
ADD ME if you would like.
It's

http://gibeau.livejournal.com/profile

or search gibeau under user or something

beep.

1:22am: I want to be back. I want to be back to 9th grade spirng break.
Im at the cabin. It is raining and I am on the picnic bench in the rain..
I have found that, that moment. Dancing in the rain.. was the best moment of my life
I had a girl who missed me, but didnt know
No phone...no car...nothing. It was simple.
I had close friends, wonderful friendships...no anger no pain
My family was happy, no death no troubles
I was happy to be alive. Full of hopes for what thew future would bring.
In love. So in love with a man who made me see beauty.
Thinking about what I would feel. Where I would be, at this very place I am right now.
A senior, ready to leave.

I have been wanting to know what this moment in my life would be like for so long.
IS the simple life the way to go, knowing the happiness of the past and how good it felt
Or a complex life filled with beautiful wonders as well as so much pain
Which one is living? Time not wasted?

right now...If you are not content, it makes no difference how many crazy things you do or see
How many people you meet, love hate and adventure with..
I would rather be that girl, dancing on a picnic table in the woods
Surrounded by hopes and dreams..friends and love.. then live a life filled with things that just didnt seem to make a difference...
When you come and sit
When you come home..and your afriad to sleep
Afriad to wake up to a new day, if you dont know what your going to be doing.
Back and forth...needing people
Needing to leave the house.
Needing to always run....just fucking run..get away

"Its a hard world Jim
shut up."

11:12pm: you like leaving a place knowing you are missed
you like leaving a place when all your friends are waving goodbye at you

It's hard to leave a place, when you feel like you have no-one and nothing to leave

12:54am: Lu Drema Machine
I cant have writers block, becuase Ive never written before
Not a real poem, a sonet....a book
It's all rambling....on and on like a Bob Dylan song
I'm formal...professional....BUT not enough...tooweird...
Atleast thats what everyone seems to tell me
Day in
Day out
It's all rambling on..like a bob dylan song

I'm loosing my mind...or so you  tell me...
I'm beautiful...but don't touch me...
I'm smart..but  you just don't know it...
I'm fun, outgoing..but all you see is a girl with too much to say
and no ears to listen
SO i wonder...
I wonder

You say I am cabable to love.
You say that it will come in time
You say, you couldnt see anyone that wouldnt want me
but im alone.
do you see that?

Funny thing is...Im starting to see it too
Everything you say I am
Every stare of confusion
on every face..
everyday
I start to belive them all
I start to believe you

It seems I'm always crazy in the eyes of strangers
becuase thats all you are.
a stranger
good thing I havent been telling the truth...

or have I? you tell me..
like you tell me everything else I am
So
I guess your not a stranger at all...
becuase you seem to know more about me
then I know of myself
so is it true?
Am I real?


You tell me.
I

10:52pm: immortal beloved

I found out why im so mad
Its becuase I am lonely.
I want someone to love me
I want someone to love.
I have never truely had someone to love me and to love back
I am just tired of it., tiredness turned to sadness

It is tiresome always being strong, yet alone
Its tiresome having self confidence 24/7
Sometimes you just want to be vuneralble to someone
and they just love you back for you

I have never felt sad about being alone in this way before
but i guess after 17 years  without that,
one day you wake up and relize youve never really felt it
and you just, want to taste it for longer than a moment

music is what i have
how much power it has over me...

Music is a dreadful thing.                 
What is it?
                  
I don't understand it.
What does it do?
                   
It exalts the soul?
                  
Utter nonsense!
                  
If you hear a marching band,
is your soul exalted?                 
If you hear a waltz, you dance.
If you hear a Mass, you take Communion.

                   
It is the power
of music to carry one...
 
...directly into the mental
state of the composer.

  
                   
The listener has no choice.

  
                   
It is like hypnotism.

  
What I thinking when i wrote this song?
to you it seems like a jumpy tune
piano and violin
I see..

A man is trying
to reach his lover.
His carriage has
broken down in the rain.

  
                   
The wheels are stuck in the mud.

  
                   
She will only wait so long.

  
                   
This is the sound
of his agitation.

  
Real music makes you see...
  
                   
not how you are used to being...

  
                   
...not how you
are used to thinking...


                  

  

7:50pm: Simple
You're as sweet as a new zealand apple, the kind I love the best.
I know you are there to help me with projects hard, easy
The waramth and softness of your voice flow through me like a gentle wave.
When you raise your voice it's like a high surf
But whatever the level, it's always the best
The only one, I'd ever want
is the one I have
Myself.
                                    
Anna Gibeau  Jan. 1997

IF I were a lady bug all through spring, I would show you my beautiful wings for you. My beautiful smile on my face for you. I would be your ring for you on your hand. I would be the sparkle in your shine. I am the light in your eyes, but I would be brighter. If I was a lady bug.

Anna Gibeau  April 95'

2:01pm: Life is a game.

You start with a whole bunch of players.
All at the starting life ready to go.
Once the game begins, not everyone can get through.
So the weak are trampled on, left without care
As we progress, the game gets harder.
So we team up
We team up into groups, seperating ourselves
These groups compete, and only the best working team survive
The team now turns on each other
Spliting into pairs.
Some pairs stay together, some fall apart
And those who are left alone, with no-one.
But who wins?

When I was very little, I had no friends becuase I didnt need them
My mother always tried to get  me in play groups, push me into the real world
I wasnt anti-social, anything but that...
i just didnt care about  being around anyone but myself all of the time
I was so content with myself, content with life and the way I lived it
I loved myself so completly that I needed nothing else.

Now, all i do is need to be around people
Always doing something, constantly moving
Or i feel dead, locked away in a house

why is it that as we get older, our minds fall into this rythum.
Like a constant hum, that puts a baby to sleep
Our minds seeing reality, and using a security blanket
I guess thats my problem, I am tyring to fall into the rythum
But I cant
My hurt and pain over time has made me real and raw.
I am truthful aboput people and ideas
I dont give a shit what you think, I speak the truth
My truth
My truth only hurts me more

When you get hurt enough, you get  a notion that  everyone sucks
That you arent good enough
That society, and god has let you down
But really,
your only letting yourself down
by falling into the rythum of life

9:51pm:

1:02pm: So how was it?
I walk out of the subway, and down a sidestreet surroudned by old beautiful buildings, filled with flags and flowers. The streets small, like the cars... The sidewalk is falling apart, with grass and weeds growing between it's age. Bikes go wissing by, and teenagers are done up in support. Behind that tree, we all take the hot walk to the same Union game. It's a dusty road, filled with faces old and hard, young and jaded, yet everyone has a smile. I meet a man who has been dedicated fan his whole life, like his father and the father before him. He wishes to tell you about anything but the game,but there is nothing there to tell. Here is a place not to forget but to remember.

The game is about to start. We see not a member on the feild. It's a vast range of pateince. As I walk, he tells me. The fans and the players made this feild. They made these cement stands, and this feild. We made the very thing we love, no-one else. This is our home. This is our smiles. And he didn't lie. What are seats? There are none here. It is flat cement plakes, filled with dirst and grass. Teh bars in the front, where the chikldren are, the paint is decades old. The other team is next to us, with eqaul amount of space and passion. Everything is torn and run down, but the feild itself. A perfect rectangle of fresh grass. The sun is a undeliable annoyance, but no-one minds. The stands get ready, and start to sing songs, native and american. The players arrive on the feild and the game begins. The brutleness on the feild, like I have never seen, but a fairness that leaves me speachless..

As this short game continues, the more and more I understand these people. Their favoriote team is loosing..yet they clap and smile with every goal the other team makes. Everyone claps here, everyone sings here. A foal, a player made an illegal move making them miss the shot. Still, not a frown, just a clap and a pat. I hear the beetles, and then the rolling stones..they yell back and forth back and forth... the ball is thrown in, and headbutted in the goal. Couples kiss and friends hug, as the other team claps and nods their heads. Every person is dripping with sweat, and beer is running high. Why am I enjoying a soccor game? I ask myself. Is it even possable..

They win the game, by a mircle.
No-one is yelling. No-one is blaming, no-one cares.
We get on the train, and everyone is drunk. Drunk and obsence.
If this behavior happening around me happened in America, there would be a CNN report to ban it. I can see it..

" FANS AT GAMES OUT OF CONTROL! SOMEONE MUST STEP IN NOW!"

Teeenagers drunk, adults, old people. Everyone is happy.
And thats what we like to take away in America don't we? True Freedom.
Freedom is within the mind and the heart
and these people couldn't be more free.
More free than we could ever be.
Becuase they understand and respect their culture,
themsleves and who and what they love.

---


There are many things that I need to talk about and get out in the open as my last year living in Maryland.

Friends mean everything to me.
I say I hate people, but I really love them
I love helping people, I love giving people advice.
I love when my friends give me comments, and say they love me.
I love partys, and groups of friends having fun
Friends calling me up randomly
Freinds from classes, and then forgeting
Old friends, who want to catch up.
I love friends. I love the concept of friends. I love the fact that people can become attached to other people and share the world around them good and bad.

Have I only created empty friendships and memeories?

This is Anna's life the past year or 2
I meet someone, They are ALL into me
We start to hang out all the time
We become friends
We tell each other everything..
I start to get attached mentally
They start to get mentally unattached
They act like everything is the same as it was, even though I know it's not.
Friendship lost.

I miss, the feeling of always knowing someone is there for me. It's funny becuase, while I was giving everyone a smile, advice and good times, I was being left out in the dust.

I wish I could understand what I do, to push people so close to me, and then go far away. But it's just me, and it's just who I am. I dont know where people stand with me anymore. I don't know what it means for someone to say " I love you" anymore. Everyone seems to have their own opinion. When I say "I love you", I mean it. When I tell my friends I love them, I fucking mean it.

I know it all started with Insley. I know thats where it all got fucked up in my life, but not because of her, becuase of how I handeled her. She was the first person that ever showed me a different side of myself, that I didnt understand. I am sorry to all of you, you know who you are. I wish you could understand how much I miss you. I miss the laughing and the simplness of not caring about anythign else but what we made for oursleves. I miss those times more than anything.

I think it's really great that you are good now. I think it's really great that I could introduce you to someone I cared about more than anything. I'm really thrilled that you guys all find a close friendship within each other. Why should I envy something that never belonged to me anyways right..

Stop being fake.
I dont want to feel like I am running away after next year,
I want to feel like I am leaving a place where I can call home.
I know I have done the very things people have done to me.
Im not an ignorant fool
I know people change and get differnt intrests like myself.
Thats no reason why people can't talk anymore.



We need to be able to understand the people in our lives, as the Germans in that stadium, understood the love for their team.

10:54pm: Today I lost one of the best things in my life.
In fact, all that time I thought I was alone, I really had more than I do now.
Once people get too close to me, or I start to feel real love, I react. I push away.
But this person wasnt a person, she was an angel.
And sometimes even angels push away.

I relize how much so many people mean to me, but sometimes its just too late to fix it.
I relize now, the people I care about the most are the ones that I dont ever see
I relize that so much has changed, that i cant help from changing.

I love you is tossed around so fucking much.
It seems that the people who mean it the most, say it the least.





If you love yourself, love will find you in return.

9:56pm: you look around and you see, you see so much that your missing.

all it took was that message to make me relize it

fuck 16. fuck it so far.

11:21pm:

Hippie You are 14% Rational, 85% Extroverted, 42% Brutal, and 42% Arrogant.

You are the Hippie! Characterized by a strong sense of extroversion, irrationality, gentleness, and humility, you no doubt frolic through fields preaching peace and free love! Immediately following that, you then frolic to the hospital with herpes! You are probably either very spiritual or needlessly paranoid about "the man", like most hippies, as a result of your focus on intuition and feelings over cold, brutal logic. You are also very, very social. And like any hippie who would have no qualms about hitchiking across the country just to meet some interesting people, you also love to interact with others, even complete strangers. Because we know most any hippie is peace-loving and humble, it stands to reason that you, as well, are terribly gentle and humble, almost to the point of revulsion. Your carefree attitude of peace and harmony is probably very, very sickening to realists or cynics or anyone who isn't a hippie, to tell the truth. In short, your personality is defective because you are overly emotional, extroverted, gentle, and humble--thus making you an annoying hippie. Now go do your drugs and have sex with filthy bearded men in tye dye shirts. To put it less negatively: 1. You are more INTUITIVE than rational. 2. You are more EXTROVERTED than introverted. 3. You are more GENTLE than brutal. 4. You are more HUMBLE than arrogant. Compatibility: Your exact opposite is the Sociopath. Other personalities you would probably get along with are the Hand-Raiser, the Televangelist, and the Robot. * * If you scored near fifty percent for a certain trait (42%-58%), you could very well go either way. For example, someone with 42% Extroversion is slightly leaning towards being an introvert, but is close enough to being an extrovert to be classified that way as well. Below is a list of the other personality types so that you can determine which other possible categories you may fill if you scored near fifty percent for certain traits. The other personality types: The Emo Kid: Intuitive, Introverted, Gentle, Humble. The Starving Artist: Intuitive, Introverted, Gentle, Arrogant. The Bitch-Slap: Intuitive, Introverted, Brutal, Humble. The Brute: Intuitive, Introverted, Brutal, Arrogant. The Hippie: Intuitive, Extroverted, Gentle, Humble. The Televangelist: Intuitive, Extroverted, Gentle, Arrogant. The Schoolyard Bully: Intuitive, Extroverted, Brutal, Humble. The Class Clown: Intuitive, Extroverted, Brutal, Arrogant. The Robot: Rational, Introverted, Gentle, Humble. The Haughty Intellectual: Rational, Introverted, Gentle, Arrogant. The Spiteful Loner: Rational, Introverted, Brutal, Humble. The Sociopath: Rational, Introverted, Brutal, Arrogant. The Hand-Raiser: Rational, Extroverted, Gentle, Humble. The Braggart: Rational, Extroverted, Gentle, Arrogant. The Capitalist Pig: Rational, Extroverted, Brutal, Humble. The Smartass: Rational, Extroverted, Brutal, Arrogant.

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 5% on Rationality You scored higher than 85% on Extroversion You scored higher than 45% on Brutality You scored higher than 42% on Arrogance

Link: The Personality Defect Test written by saint_gasoline on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

10:27am: Warning
When you get close to me, you better beware becuase it won't be for long.

Once I have it, i don't want it.
Once it's gone, its all I need.

Mark anouther one down on the list.

7:27pm: A theory
His ignorance was as remarkable as his knowlege. Of comtemporary literature, politics and philosophy he appeared ti know next to nothing. Upon my qouting Osacr Wilde, he formed no conclusions as to who he might be and what he had done. My suprize reached a climax, however, when I found incidentally that he was ignorant of the Solar System. Yes. The Solar System. Any civilized human being in this nineteenth centry should not be aware that the earth traveled round the sun appeared such an extradinary fact that could hardly realize it.

"You appear to be so astonished" he said, smiling at my expression." Now that I do know it, I shall do my best to forget it."

"To forget it?"

" You see," he started to explain to be, " i consiuder that a man's brain orginally is like a little empty attaic, and you have to stock it with such funuiture as you choose. a fool takes in all the lumber of every sort that he comes across, so that the knowledge which might be useful to him gets crowded out. Now the skillful workman is very careful indeed as to what he takes into his brain-attic. He will have nothing but the tools to which may help him in doing his work, but of these he has a large options., and all in the most perfect order. Depend upon it, there comes a time when for ever addition of knowlege, you forget something that you knew before. It is of the highest importance, therefore, not to have useless facts albowing out useful ones..."

"BUT ITS THE SOLAR SYSTEM!" i protested.

"What the fuck is it to me?" he interrupted. " You say that we round the sun. If we went round the moon it would not make a pennyworth of dofferene to me or my work."

I was going to ask him what he was that he did, but something in his manner shoed me that the question would be unwelcome...

12:14am: I hate babies
This will offend you! Warning!


Few things repulse me more than babies. The mere sight of one fills me with an intense disgust that can only be alleviated by the absolute destruction of the offending object. The idea that babies are 'cute' is a concept so foreign to my sensibilities that I really wonder if people who subscribe to that notion are in full control of their mental facilities. Babies are NOT cute. They are vile little creatures with no redeeming qualities. They require constant attention. They piss and shit all over themselves. They vomit with impunity. They cry and scream. They have to be kept clean. They are more prone to disease than a grown human. They look stupid. They must be hand fed. You have to dress them. What the hell is cute about any of that stuff?

I can't for the life of me understand why anyone would want to have a baby in the first place. How boring and uncreative you must be! A baby is a full time job. Is there nothing in your life you enjoy doing? The best thing you can think of to do is to become a slave to some crying, shit machine? That's all you'll ever be from the day it's born. Just a meat robot who's job it is to feed and clothe and clean the baby. Gee, how exciting.

I hate the way that whenever someone has a baby, they act like it's such a special and wonderful occasion. The mother will prance around and show off her new baby to everyone she meets. "Hey everybody, look what came out of my pussy! Isn't it just the cutest thing you ever saw?" Fuck no it ain't, and if you don't get that fucking thing out of my face, I'll twist it's little head right the fuck off!

What really pisses me off is when people talk about the 'miracle of birth'. Gimmie a break! Webster defines miracle as: "An event that appears unexplainable by the laws of nature and so is held to be supernatural in origin". A new baby is squeezed out somewhere on earth every 10 seconds or so. That's not a miracle. If everyone who had a kid was emotionally and financially able to care for it, THAT would be a miracle.

I hate it when I see some lame couple walking down the street, pushing a baby in a stroller. Just once I'd like to run up to them, grab the baby by it's feet, and smash it's head against the curb as hard as I could. The look on their faces would almost be worth the prison time. Same goes for people who have a baby seat mounted on the back of their ten-speeds. It would bring me such joy to hit them with my car. The exact moment when the baby's head strikes the pavement would be like the punchline of a really funny joke.

People that have a baby think they deserve to get special treatment. They'll get no such favors from me! I WILL NOT give up my seat on a bus to a pregnant woman. If I see a woman pushing a stroller towards the entrance of a store, I WILL NOT hold the door open for her. If I'm in a public place like a movie theater and someone's baby is creating a disturbance, I tell them to shut the fucking thing up or get the hell out! Even some criminals I know won't rob a woman who has a baby. Hell, they make the BEST victims. Just run up to her and knock the baby from her arms. She'll be so focused on it's welfare that she won't even try and stop you from taking her purse.

I'd like to go to a hospital maternity ward where all the babies are laid out in their own incubators. Then I'd fill each incubator with a different foul substance. One with piss, another with bleach, yet another with vomit. Then I'd hang out and watch the reaction of the parents who came to see their child and found it floating dead in a clear box full of shit. That would be great.

I love the concept of crib death. Surprise! Your kid is dead. I wish someone would put out a 2 hour video that was nothing but the reactions of mothers who find their babies dead in the morning. I'd pay big bucks for that. I love miscarriages too. It's even better if the parents have already bought things for the baby, only to have it expelled in a dead, bloody mess. That would be another great video, The Worlds Funniest Miscarriages. You just know they'd end up airing it on the Fox network!

The worse thing about babies is that they grow into children. I hate children even more than babies. They say that children should be seen and not heard? I don't even want to see them! But that's a whole other essay in itself...



HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHHAAAAAAAAAAAAHHAHAHAHHA
Amen.

8:17pm: It isn't christmas. fuck spelling
pass me my cig.


So, once agian I come here when all has failed.
Angry people
Insecure people
Sad people
They all kind of form into a big mass. A big mass of losers bringing me down.

I drove today through Hagerstown. I drove and drove and drove some more, town after town and closed shop and factory after anouther. Stopping at a local Wendy's. This is where is began. It was in a long 10 fast food row of options for this lovely nation to enjoy, with happiness. I just happened to choose the Wendys...I like the frys. I was in that line for 30 minutes. I could have left, but for some reason I was drawn to the world around me. The conversations. The faces of the simple folk not tasting the food in front of them, as if they were machines. A fat boy with long hair and his brother staring at a white trash blond sitting with a man twice her age in a plaid jacket. A old couple from church, out of love, bitter and forgetful of the simple things they once knew about each other. A bussiness man and his wife from south carolina, staring at the room as i was, but with a since of suprotity and worth over the rest of the room. Talking about their high paying fullilling job to a man they met in line...uninterested and alone..wanting only that new big bacon cheesberger he has been craving for months...A woman behing me young, in her 20's on her cell phone. Behind the counter now, I veiw my attention to the older woman whom is about to serve me my number 7. She has overdone makeup and a smile that seems to have been painted on by her own denial. Denail of ending up having to wrok at Wendy's...or anouther kind its hard to say. She was so sweet she even gave out two honey mustards instead of the normal one. I see a black man working with the fries. Pours the frys in...waits till they are done, flips them out with the others to be eaten by people like you and I. To look into his eyes I did not dare...he had a since of dead. A cell in a body working as a slave to his own choice. Or choice that had to be made. The only choice he was given..and then i see you...

His face pierced through my soul, the way he talked...the way he stood, how his long skinny fingers hit the pad putting in the orders, how his shirt was tucked in his black pants and his hair was a mess of blond. ..I couldn't take my eyes of of this creature i saw before my eyes. He was so fragile...a simple pleasing gift to the sences to look at. Not becuase he was attractive. Not becuase of the way he entraced me. The way he got the fries and took the cheese out of it's container...carfully filling the ladal to the very top to evenly cover evey fry...as soon as the woamn bagging orders next to him slightly touched his arm...he qucikly closed his eyes in fright. As if any tocuh to him was like a slap to me. It was the way he stood out amongst the rest of the crowd in a way that no-one else seemed to appreate. The way his fragile un-tocuhed face graced the life inside of me. I stared at him for 10 minutes, but what seemed like a lifetime...my eyes never once leaving his every move. I looked at him as if he were a creature at the zoo, and couter was the cage... I was the child new to life. staring at something I couldn't understand. I couldn't read him. i didn't have the slightest clue of how he felt. who he was. What he liked. Where he could have lived, what kind of family he had. What music he listened to...He was a pure mystry to me for some reason. And in all of this time he had not noticed my hooked on stare...but as he was making a small drink, and his backed was turned. He stopped slightly...slowly turning his body and face...and looked stright into my eyes.

His face. His eyes pure gray...gray with a tint of blue outlining it's edge. His jar perfectly structured, nose long and and curved at the end, lips with a color kissed with blood, and i saw it
he was beauty.
He was innocence looking upon me in the face.
He was my childhood laughing on a swing.
He was that picture I painted and lost
He was that emotion I lost
He was the color to my cheeks I lost
He was the tree I slept under
He was that dream of the past I can't seem to shut the fuck up about.


He was her
He was everything I had forgotton
He was me.

And I felt myself begin to tear, and the tears started to quietly but obviously fall down my face. I looked away from him, but I felt his eyes never leaving my face. I felt the tree, I felt my childhood, felt her, I felt everything looking..staring at me, as if his eyes were a gateway to see everything I had wanted to forget and now instead of me looking at the past it was all looking at me...

I got my food and slowly went out the door to the car waiting.
Eyes still staring as i turned, I looked for the last time...... over the line of 25 people, the old woman, the sad black man, the mexicans working the back, the brown haried woman who bagged, the teenage long haired boys, the small children poking at their food, the blond haired woman on her cell phone the couple..I paused for only a moment catching only him, and ... he smiled. He smiled.

its funny how beautiful something looks when it's walking out the door...




this is for a friend who i never forgot, but just never showed up
Im sorry.

12:08am: Not here .I want to be in my life. no. I don't. this is not where I want to be at all. I want them. I want all of you. I should be in the place of her. I should be there, not fucking red head. I wanted yp be the ganster. I wanted to have those friends. I wanted and I waited and I wished and I acted and nothing happened. becuase I don't kiss ass. becuase I don;t swoon and act girly. becuase I am real.

I truely believe the faker you are, the closest you are to getting that thing yuo called dream.but are you doing it for yourself or for the imagine for someone else to see. or both? is it possiable to have both? AM I ready to just start over, or should I hall ass and make sure I have secured my place as the name and vision I always wanted...or is it not worth it. just wait, until the time comes and when it does ad that fails what to do. what the fuck are you going to do...I have no clue. I have no idea. but i do know something..I know when life is the way i want it and the way i don;t want it....

1:13am: Mooshu.

Love.

11:47pm: Nocturne in C-Sharp minor
I was 10, and my neighbor missy was teaching me piano. She always used to come over and play for me. One day, she played me this song.. played this song by Fryderyk Chopin...

It is a short song, with a second intermisson...it hits every emotion within my soul...something about this song makes me want to live life. It feels me up and suddenly down, from the words of Hedwig. A powerful and completting beginning, thr harsh bashing of the cords...then silence, and a quick soft piece which you can picture yourself where you always wanted to be...in that one note you can softly hear in the backround...who knows what he could have been thinking about when the notes came to his fingers. who can say how anything is meant to be, but this song was something that tocuhed me so deeply and still does every time I hear it play. No other song can make me speachless, and never will...

I wanted nothing but to hear that song...to play that song...everyday I would play it non-stop. I tried to teach myself, but after a while it faded away into the mist, locked away...sitting on my media player and tossed around once and I while to enjoyed and burned for others..but they never heard what I hear.....I just wanted someone to hear what hear...

I hear you...

I hear you from the other room...

I hear the first keys...

and the second...

and you start to play..

You start to play my song...this song

I recognized it, the first cords

no-one is at the mex but me and you...yet you have no idea I am there, I am came in like a mouse

I listened, in the darkness of the stage to you playing my song to an empty room, to a invisable audience

As if you had just came from the random dark to play this one song...

to play it for me

I got up and walked toward the shawdow of light that came from where this beautiful, and unreal moment of song was occuring...

I knew it was you, no-one else

It was black all around you, just a light and your diet coke sitting on top of the piano.

---

I stepped in without you seeing, all the way in the back of the room..and I watched you play my song... with such passion, with such life...the same life that enters me when I hear the slightest clip...closing your eyes..you are picturing what I try to picture...that place you can only reach when you listen to this song and this song only...

---

Of all people, you were the one to understand.

As the song came down, and you eased out of the imagery that your mind was filled with, that spilled into my own...my heart was still and I was speachless.

You opened your eyes

I saw only the slightest glimmer, when the poor light turned to face you

as if you had shed a single tear...one single drop

I heard the song, I have always just heard the song...
but tonight I felt it.

you got up from your seat, grabbed your coke and started walkig up the ramp, the same ramp that I was pretendig to have never seen your proformance...

I turn to see the work lights go on stage and people coming in discssing the show, bashing and flamboyant noise fil the room like every night...



I turn back around and you were gone...

12:56am: Tell me this
Have you ever just wanted to give up. Really and Truely put in the towel on people. To jus walk into school with your hair messed up, and your clothing. To just not bother talking to people unless they talk to you. Not care about making friends, or talking to people friendly when working on a school project. To just not fake it anymore. WHen people ask how you are and you say you suck... sure everyon has their days but, i mean really just dead...

What keeps you moving?
Why do you care?
What is it that makes you do those things, though you have no desirve to?
WHat is it that keeps you from becoming and going through with that one thought..

12:49am: 1984.
" It's not so much staying alive, it's staying human that's important."

The very thought is a mind is a dangerous weapon.

Cape cod
France
New York
Buzzard Camp
Banjo
Pete
College
Sunsets
Sleep
Cold
Hot
Media
West Chester
Penis
Mooshu
Cell
Permit
Orangina
Pot
Booze
Fire
Potomic
Regret
Barral
Clarity
No Fog
Gas
Finalnd
Break
Mend
Black
Yellow
Emo
Fuckers
Liars
Hate

Love.

Only 5 hours...

9:59pm: Mooshu is my motherfucker

4:58pm: I saw you today. It made me want to gag.

It's amazing, that you can not think or say one bad word about one person and they don't even have the courage to slap you in your face before fucking you off...

The real test is yet to come...


One person I will have to face when it all said and done

1:38am: FUCK. HER!
I was little once, and I had long black hair that I loved so much. Everyday I would put on a show for my mom in her bedroom...she never dressed me. Not for one day. she always let me pick out what i wanted, to find myself, to find me. She wanted to know me, not her. At school I had a few friends, but for the most part I was alone. I was off to the side. I loved being alone...but I wasn't really, becuase I had myself. I loved me. I loved making up storys in my mind and acting them out...I loved finding rocks and going on adventures on my own. I felt so safe and secure in myself....

then people came into the picture and my bubble popped. I got what I always wanted...

I just want to go back to my imaginary world. I want to go back to putting whatever I wanted on and being myself and being loved for it. I want to go back to the time when I was judged and I just didn't care...it's sad to feel that you knew more about yourself when you were a child then you do now. When you want friends for all the wrong reasons, and when those friends just throw you away. Just don't care, when you care so fucking much.

I hate reality. I want the glitter and the fake. I want to feel safe agian.

I want to be crazy and wild while riding a four wheeler and making fart jokes with rednecks over a campfire!

I want to live in the city with gay men and talk over cosmos and be fake and shallow at a bar!

I want to party with musicans backstage, get wasted and wake up not knowing what the fuck I did!

I want to bungie jump off a tall building or over a volcano!

I want to be a maid of honor and dance to a bowie song at the reception!

I want to dress goth, and cry with a group of russians!

I want to make passionate love to a stranger and think about it every night for months!

I want to have a pillow fight on the top of a roof top!

I want to go to a hip hop show in Amsterdam and get down with that microphone!

I want to be a hippie and live in the middle of nowhere and smoke pot all day!

I want to dress in drag and go to a gay parade and be a fool!

I want so much fucking stuff for myself. I am so many different people inside of this body. I want to love life like I did. I want to do everything I want to do...but im only me.

The old saying..."dream big, think big and big things will happen..." I took it. I just dream too much.
I don't want to be the..." I could have been..."..."I wanted to be..." while taking anouther drag off my fag.

I want to be a " this is what I did...." ...

" this is who I am..."

Everyday this week from 7 pm to 11 pm my life is around a play called..."Wonder of the World". If there is one thing I get out of this play is that...I do know what I want. The list grows everyday. I have so much I want to accomplish, so much in life that one person can hope to strive for but never find...

" Do you see that?"
"What?"
" The sun...it came up. And your still here....what else do you want?"

I need to be a " this is who I am..." today.